Noted manly man Ted Cruz is so devoted to the principles of conservatism that he’s ready to throw down behind the gym and kick some ass! Well, not personally, of course because he’s got bone spurs. Probably.
So, how about Ohio Rep. Jim Jordan stands in for him, and shows that damn dirty liberal Ron Perlman what a big, strong specimen our Ted really is? Because nothing says TOUGH GUY like siccing a former wrestling champion on a 70-year-old actor, right?
It all started Sunday, when Florida Rep. Matt Gaetz, a member of the Florida bar who is strongly opposed to virtue signaling, got all up in his feelings about US Soccer’s decision to rescind its no-kneeling policy.
To which actor Ron Perlman unleashed a string of invective, including an observation that Gaetz should be grateful to Ohio Rep. Jim Jordan for sparing him the ignominious title of least attractive member of congress.
Apparently Ted Cruz is new to Twitter, though. And while Gaetz just teed off for his followers on Perlman’s woeful lack of understanding of Florida geography, Cruz decided to take it up another notch.
“Listen Hellboy, he tweeted. “You talk good game when you’ve got Hollywood makeup & stuntmen. But I’ll bet $10k—to the nonpolitical charity of your choice—that you couldn’t last 5 min in the wrestling ring w/ @Jim_Jordan w/o getting pinned. You up for it? Or does your publicist say too risky?”
We have questions! Did Ted Cruz, a sitting senator, wake his good buddy Jim up at 12:48 a.m. before volunteering him for a slugfest in the parking lot of the Capitol Hill CVS? Did the Harvard law grad and member of the Texas bar, think about the legal niceties of arranging a cash-for-fisticuffs wager? Or did the “father of two, @heidiscruz‘s husband, fighter for liberty” just shoot his mouth off because that machine gun bacon is salty and sometimes you drink a little too much beer trying to wash it down on a Sunday night?
(You thought we made it up?)
Perlman, upped the ante to $50,000, but only if Cruz would fight himself. Because apparently there’s plenty of beer in Los Angeles, too.
And then this morning, when the Senator’s hot gun should really have cooled down, he was still demanding that Perlman fight Jordan, a former wrestling coach, or be forever known as a wuss.
“I get it, you’re rich. But, apparently, soft,” the senator tweeted at 7:47 a.m. from the phone that he hides from his staffers, ALLEGEDLY. “You sure seem scared to wrestle Jordan (whom you keep insulting). Can’t take the heat? Need to get a manicure?” Get it? If Perlman doesn’t want to wrestle Jim Jordan it’s because he’s a sissyboy getting his nails done — HAPPY PRIDE Y’ALL! But if Ted Cruz doesn’t want to fight, then it is GRAVITAS.
Neat. Well, at least Ron Perlman didn’t call Heidi Cruz ugly and accuse Ted Cruz, Sr of assassinating JFK, because then Ted would be really angry. And you wouldn’t like Ted when he’s angry.
Elizabeth Dye (@5DollarFeminist) lives in Baltimore where she writes about law and politics.