Ed. note: This is the latest installment in a series of posts on motherhood in the legal profession, in partnership with our friends at MothersEsquire. Welcome April Kelso to our pages.
After going through a relatively easy pregnancy, my husband and I sent the 5-year-old to her grandpa’s house, did last minute baby prep, watched the Super Bowl in our pajamas, then woke up extra early and made our way to the hospital. I heard “Play that Funky Music” (not my choice) ring through the operating room as my doctor performed the caesarean section, our second together. Friends and family visited the hospital and then brought us dinner once we made it back home.
As the days and weeks progressed, I was proud that breastfeeding was working and that I avoided the baby blues. I worked for a different firm this time, and my maternity leave was longer and smoother, and it was all going just as I had hoped. The daycare mom guilt was even better the second time. We were trucking along. I was happy.
Until I wasn’t. I don’t really know when it happened, but months in I started feeling off. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but I found myself overwhelmed and unable to concentrate and irritable and feeling worthless. It was hard to get to sleep, I would cry at the drop of a hat, and my anxiety was climbing. It did not happen overnight, instead it crept up slowly after several months, making me feel even crazier. After a lot of late-night googling and many online symptom checkers, I was self-diagnosed with postpartum depression.
The feelings of craziness turned to shame and embarrassment.
I love my babies. I have a supportive husband. We have a stable home. I am a good person. I am happy in my job. Breastfeeding is working this time. What did I do wrong? Was I just not cut out to be a mom? So for a bit, I tried to just will it away without admitting it to anyone else. But it was getting harder and harder to hide.
The first person I admitted it to was my counselor. Why in the world did it take me weeks to work up the nerve to admit to my counselor that I was suffering from a mental health condition? It is her literal job to help me resolve these issues and work through these problems. I think I was just overwhelmingly ashamed and embarrassed. I was worried what everyone would think if I admitted I was struggling with anything, let alone postpartum depression — something that carries such ugly (and untrue) stigmas with it.
The next people I admitted it to was my little group of moms who also had babies around the same time — because a couple of them had admitted their struggles with postpartum depression. They became a safe place where I could discuss the ugly truth. Then through lots of tears, I told my husband, although I am pretty certain he already knew something was up.
It would be a few more weeks before my firm mentioned something. I was called in to a meeting, and I immediately felt like a complete failure — inadequate mom and now inadequate lawyer on top of it. As the words came out of my mouth (and the tears flowed out of my eyes), I was shocked I admitted it at work — I thought for sure this would be career suicide. Women already can have such an uphill battle in the legal profession, with the hill becoming seemingly steeper every time we decide to expand our families. Now throw in being an associate with postpartum depression and I was worried, to say the least. But I honestly could not have asked for a more supportive group of people. I came out of the meeting feeling like they really listened and helped me come up with a game plan for how to move forward. I know that this may not be the typical firm response, but I will forever be grateful for the way I was treated with respect and kindness as I battled through an impossible time in my life.
I talked to my doctor, I talked to my counselor, I googled all the things, I talked to my husband, I talked to a couple of colleagues who were so supportive, and I talked to friends. I made some changes (goodbye exclusive breastfeeding) and I made it through. Probably the biggest help of all was just educating myself to the fact that postpartum depression and anxiety is really a lot more common than I thought, and it does not always look the same for everyone. Some people have symptoms quickly, some people (like me) do not feel it for months after birth. For some people it is extremely debilitating, making even getting out of bed impossible, and for some (like me) you can even fake feeling fine for a while before it catches up with you. According to the American Psychological Association, one in seven women experience postpartum depression within the first year after giving birth. Yet there is still this unfair stigma around postpartum depression. How in the world can we continue to be ashamed or embarrassed about something that almost fifteen percent of moms go through? For me, admitting that I was struggling, realizing I was not alone, and having honest conversations with those around me is was what got me through it.
April Kelso is a graduate of the University of Tulsa College of Law. April joined Pierce Couch Hendrickson Baysinger and Green in 2017. She is a girl mom two times over and loves adventuring with her husband and daughters. When not working, she can be found baking, covering something in glitter, playing another round of Uno with her six-year-old, or volunteering at her church. You can email her at akelso@piercecouch.com or follow along with her on Instagram @mrsaprilkelso.