The
Onion
had
the
chance
to
do
the
funniest
thing.
And
they
did
it!
This
morning,
the
satirical
website’s
CEO
Ben
Collins
announced
that
his
company
was
the
winning
bidder
in
the
auction
for
the
Infowars
assets.
The
company’s
satirical
CEO
Bryce
P.
Tetraeder
explained
that
the
decision
was
“an
easy
one
for
the
Global
Tetrahedron
executive
board.”
Founded
in
1999
on
the
heels
of
the
Satanic
“panic”
and
growing
steadily
ever
since, InfoWars has
distinguished
itself
as
an
invaluable
tool
for
brainwashing
and
controlling
the
masses.
With
a
shrewd
mix
of
delusional
paranoia
and
dubious
anti-aging
nutrition
hacks,
they
strive
to
make
life
both
scarier
and
longer
for
everyone,
a
commendable
goal.
They
are
a
true
unicorn,
capable
of
simultaneously
inspiring
public
support
for
billionaires
and
stoking
outrage
at
an
inept
federal
state
that
can
assassinate
JFK
but
can’t
even
put
a
man
on
the
Moon.Through
it
all, InfoWars has
shown
an
unswerving
commitment
to
manufacturing
anger
and
radicalizing
the
most
vulnerable
members
of
society—values
that
resonate
deeply
with
all
of
us
at
Global
Tetrahedron.
The
guys
who
brought
you
the
recurring
headline
“‘No
Way
To
Prevent
This,’
Says
Only
Nation
Where
This
Regularly
Happens,”
will
now
own
the
media
outlet
used
by
smear
merchant
Alex
Jones
to
defame
the
families
of
victims
of
the
Sandy
Hook
shooting.
And
the
purchase
was
financed,
at
least
in
part,
with
a
multi-year
advertising
commitment
from
Everytown
for
Gun
Safety,
the
gun
violence
prevention
non-profit
which
is
itself
financed
by
Michael
Bloomberg.
In
addition
to
The
Onion,
through
its
parent
company
Global
Tetrahedron,
the
deal
includes
the
Sandy
Hook
plaintiffs
who
filed
in
Connecticut
(but
not
the
Texas
plaintiffs).
From
bankruptcy
trustee
Christopher
Murray’s
notice
of
the
successful
bid:
In
his
reasonable
business
judgment,
the
Trustee
has
designated
the
joint
bid
by
Global
Tetrahedron,
LLC
(“Global
Tetrahedron”)
and
the
Connecticut
Families
as
the
Successful
Bid
at
the
IP
Assets
Auction
and
Global
Tetrahedron
and
the
Connecticut
Families,
jointly,
as
the
Successful
Bidder.
“By
divesting
Jones
of
Infowars’
assets,
the
families
and
the
team
at
The
Onion
have
done
a
public
service
and
will
meaningfully
hinder
Jones’s
ability
to
do
more
harm,”
their
attorney
Chris
Mattei
told
the
New
York
Times.
Jones
appears
to
be
taking
it
well.
Earlier
this
week,
he
seemed
optimistic
that
a
fellow
troll
would
pony
up
the
cash
to
buy
the
business
in
the
bankruptcy
sale
of
his
assets
and
allow
him
to
continue
to
run
it.
CNN
reported
that
one
of
his
allies
had
made
a
“seven
figure
offer”
for
the
bankruptcy
assets.
But
it
would
appear
that
Jones,
who
notably
tried
to
buy
off
the
Sandy
Hook
plaintiffs
with
a
measly
$10
million,
undershot
again.
It’s
not
clear
whether
this
ally
was
the
backup
bidder
First
United
American
Companies,
LLC,
nor
is
it
clear
who
is
the
AC
that
this
LLC
is
FU-ing.
FUAC
is
represented
by
a
Texas
attorney
named
Walter
Cicack,
who
previously
represented
Charlie
Cicack,
whom
the
New
York
Times
described
as
“an
entrepreneur
who
had
sold
products
through
Free
Speech
Systems
in
the
past.”
Charlie
Cicack
was
deposed
last
year
in
the
now-dismissed
FSS
bankruptcy.
FUAC
is
furious,
and
moved
for
an
emergency
hearing
today
“to
address
the
apparent
defects
in
the
sale
process,
including
changing
the
procedures,
lack
of
transparency,
and
inaccurate
disclosures
to
interested
bidders.”
“Because
the
value
of
the
assets
is
in
the
process
of
being
destroyed
at
this
very
minute,
FUAC
requests
a
status
conference
today
if
the
court’s
calendar
can
accommodate
it,”
Walter
Cicack
added
on
behalf
of whoever
is
throwing
middle
fingers
behind
that
LLC.
The
hearing
is
at
2:30CT,
and
available
to
listen
to
through
US
Bankruptcy
Judge
Christopher
Lopez’s
public
access
line.
As
CEO
Bryce
P.
Tetraeder
would
say,
“All
will
be
revealed
in
due
time.
For
now,
let’s
enjoy
this
win
and
toast
to
the
continued
consolidation
of
power
and
capital.”
Alexander
E.
Jones
and
Official
Committee
Of
Unsecured
Creditors
[Docket
via
Court
Listener]
Liz
Dye lives
in
Baltimore
where
she
produces
the
Law
and
Chaos substack and podcast.