Ohio
boasts
a
wild
season
of
Supreme
Court
races,
with
six
competitors
vying
for
three
slots
and
the
potential
to
flip
the
philosophical
lean
of
the
bench.
One
race
features
two
incumbents
squaring
off
with
Justice
Melody
Stewart
defending
her
seat
against
Justice
Joe
Deters
who
is
running
for
Stewart’s
seat
because
it
carries
a
full
term
as
opposed
to
his
current
appointed
seat.
If
the
name
“Joe
Deters”
sounds
familiar,
it’s
because
back
in
July
he
wrote
one
of
the
most
hilariously
nonsensical
exercises
in
intellectually
bankrupt
“textualism”
ever
committed
to
print.
An
opinion
that
Justice
Stewart
—
who
dissented
in
the
relevant
decision
—
wants
the
voters
to
understand
when
they
go
to
the
ballot
box:
For
those
who
don’t
remember,
this
case
involved
a
restaurant
patron
choking
on
a
1-3/8
inch
chicken
bone
cooked
inside
a
“boneless”
wing.
This
might
seem
a
straightforward
failure
on
the
part
of
the
restaurant’s
duty
to
“not
choke
customers,”
and
yet
Justice
Deters
and
his
Republican
colleagues
on
the
Ohio
Supreme
Court
pulled
the
eatery
out
of
the
fryer
so
to
speak
by
declaring
the
plain
text
of
“boneless”
to
mean…
well,
“not
boneless.”
And
regarding
the
food
item’s
being
called
a
“boneless
wing,”
it
is
common
sense
that
that
label
was
merely
a
description
of
the
cooking
style.
A
diner
reading
“boneless
wings”
on
a
menu
would
no
more
believe
that
the
restaurant
was
warranting
the
absence
of
bones
in
the
items
than
believe
that
the
items
were
made
from
chicken
wings,
just
as
a
person
eating
“chicken
fingers”
would
know
that
he
had
not
been
served
fingers.
The
food
item’s
label
on
the
menu
described
a
cooking
style;
it
was
not
a
guarantee.
“Boneless”
is
not
so
much
a
cooking
style
on
par
with
terms
like
“baked”
or
“braised”
if
one
considered
the
plain
meaning
of
that
text
amongst
the
rest
of
us
burdened
by
a
basic
grasp
of
the
English
fucking
language.
But,
unmoored
by
the
vagaries
of
usage,
Deters
found
an
opening
to
channel
his
inner
Lewis
Carroll
and
just
make
up
a
frabjous
new
“boneless”
that
means
“having
giant
ass
bones
in
it.”
Which
is
all
to
say
Ohioans
have
a
pretty
clear
choice
in
November.
You
can
stack
the
Supreme
Court
with
ding
dongs
who
don’t
know
what
the
word
“boneless”
means,
or
you
can
vote
for
Stewart
and
the
Democrats.
Earlier:
‘Boneless’
Wings
Can
Have
Bones,
Declare
Committed
Textualists
Joe
Patrice is
a
senior
editor
at
Above
the
Law
and
co-host
of
Thinking
Like
A
Lawyer.
Feel
free
to email
any
tips,
questions,
or
comments.
Follow
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Joe
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Managing
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