Maybe I lived it; maybe I dreamed it. I surely can’t say here.
When I worked at a law firm, to the person in the office next door:
“Good morning.”
“Good morning. Can I have a client number for that?”
“Excuse me?”
“I’m rounding up to the nearest six minutes.”
When I worked at a law firm, to a heavy-hitter:
“Are you charging for that?”
“It’s one hour to L120, Analysis.”
“How do you figure?”
“I know the rules say that we bill in six-minute increments. But I don’t do that; it’s too much trouble. I bill in hour increments. And I don’t worry about task codes. All I do is analyze stuff, so it’s all L120, Analysis.”
Our counsel recommending how much we should pay in settlement:
“We must win on two issues to win this case. I figure we have a one in three chance of winning on the first issue. And we have a one in three chance of winning on the second issue. So we have about a one in four chance of winning the case.”
“Are the issues independent?”
“Completely.”
“If the issues are independent, and we have a one in three chance of winning each of them, then we have a one in nine chance of winning the case.”
“I’m not trying to be mathematically precise. I’m just saying how likely it is we’ll win the case.”
In internal communications:
“Finance sent you the attached email (and copied me) last week. I haven’t yet seen your answer go out. Could you send me a copy of what you sent to Finance?”
“I figure I’ll have a precise answer in six weeks. I’ll answer the email then.”
“Don’t you think it would be a good idea to tell Finance that you don’t yet know the answer to the question, that you’ll know the answer in six weeks, and that you’ll respond then? Or do you prefer to have people in Finance saying that the Law Department doesn’t answer emails?”
On the value of the case:
“It has a settlement value of about $5 million today, and it’ll be worth about $10 million as trial approaches.”
“Why’s that?”
“Cases are always worth more as trial approaches.”
On preparing a settlement memo:
“This memo is going to Mr. Big. You get three paragraphs to describe the case.”
“That’s not possible. My case is much too complicated. It can’t be described in three paragraphs.”
“I’ve worked here for 10 years. Every settlement memo I’ve ever sent to Mr. Big has been three paragraphs long. Do you really think yours is the first case in the history of our firm that can’t be described in three paragraphs?”
“Yes. My case is too complicated.”
Discussing settlement:
“Last year, you said the case was worth $1 million.”
“Yes.”
“But now you’re asking for $2 million.”
“Yes.”
“What’s happened in the last year that’s doubled the value of the case?”
“The compensation methodology is much too complicated to explain. I can’t tell you why the value of the case has doubled.”
It’s enough to make you give up sleeping, for fear of more nightmares.
Mark Herrmann spent 17 years as a partner at a leading international law firm and is now deputy general counsel at a large international company. He is the author of The Curmudgeon’s Guide to Practicing Law and Inside Straight: Advice About Lawyering, In-House And Out, That Only The Internet Could Provide (affiliate links). You can reach him by email at inhouse@abovethelaw.com.