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Has impeachment broken your brain? Are you overwhelmed by 1,000 hours of batcrap congressional testimony? Does the cat cough up a hairball every time Jim Jordan’s voice comes out of your television?
Here’s a little something to soothe your troubled mind.
Not for watching, of course! But for reassuring yourself that things could always be worse — Rudy Giuliani could be your client! You could be facing down the Southern District of New York with a guy who got talked out of doing his own impeachment podcast, only to go on Glenn Beck’s The Blaze to spout off about SOROS and DNC SERVER and GLENN SIMPSON DOSSIER and DEEP STATE CONSPIRACY.
If we might summarize …
Rudy was just kicking around Ukraine last year looking for proof that his client Donald Trump didn’t collude with the Russians to rig the 2016 election — totally normal lawyer stuff — when he stumbled upon evidence that Ukraine was the REAL COLLUSION. They weren’t trying to recoup stolen state assets when journalists published the ledger showing that Paul Manafort had received pilfered state money from the previous pro-Russian government. In fact, it was a plot against Donald Trump, and Rudy can prove that ledger was forged, too! Did the prosecutors use the ledger in their successful prosecution of Manafort for tax evasion? NO. Res ipsa loquitur FORGED.
ROBERT MUELLER WAS IN ON IT.
“When I got at all of that evidence, as a defense lawyer, I said to myself, ‘Hallelujah! I can go prove that someone else committed this crime,’” shouted America’s Mayor. And instead of backing away slowly, Beck actually encouraged him to keep talking.
“I knew they were hot and heavy on this Russian collusion thing. Even though, I knew 100% it was false. So when I got this evidence about Ukrainian collusion, in which they mentioned that Joe Biden was involved in developing some of the collusion, I jumped on it!”
JOE BIDEN WAS IN ON IT.
In 2016, the E.U., IMF, and entire U.S. government were pushing for the ouster of corrupt Ukrainian prosecutor Viktor Shokin, but for some reason the American embassy in Ukraine blocked a visa for him to come to America this summer to air Rudy’s pet theory that Joe Biden got Shokin fired to protect one of Hunter Biden’s clients. Because Hunter Biden, a guy who leaves a crack pipe in a rental car and who clearly doesn’t know where babies come from, is integral to this scheme.
HUNTER BIDEN WAS IN ON IT.
So Rudy complained to the State Department, but he still couldn’t get a visa for Shokin. The former ambassador Marie Yovanovitch was just too powerful and had too much to lose, “because she and her embassy were involved in collecting the dirty information.”
MARIE YOVANOVITCH WAS IN ON IT. (BUT NOT MIKE POMPEO, WHO WAS JUST CONFUSED.)
Poor Viktor Shokin! Can’t get a visa to the U.S., and is now in danger from Ukraine’s anticorruption bureau (NABU), an independent prosecutorial body tasked with cleaning up Ukrainian government. But NABU was “set up” by Deputy Assistant Secretary of State George Kent, at the insistence of the IMF and with American and EU funding. And Kent testified this week wearing a bowtie, which is how you know he’s one of the bad guys.
GEORGE KENT WAS IN ON IT.
“They took all the corruption cases away from the Prosecutor General. They gave them to the Anticorruption Bureau, and they got rid of all the cases that offended Soros, and they included all the cases against Soros’s enemies.”
That never happened. But the Anticorruption Bureau did drop a politically-motivated prosecution of the good-government activist group AntAc, which has received funding from the Open Society Foundation. It has also received funding from the governments of the U.S., E.U., Czech Republic, and the Netherlands, but doesn’t count because …
GEORGE SOROS WAS IN ON IT. OBVIOUSLY.
Rudy had assembled quite a dossier, but he had to partner with The Hill’s John Solomon to get it out because the FBI was “protecting Joe Biden.” Too many Obama holdovers at the Justice Department in 2018, guys who were IN ON IT by definition, and wouldn’t take his very real, not at all insane case seriously.
THE FBI WAS IN ON IT.
Then Glenn Beck repeated the name of the CIA agent the wingnutosphere thinks is the informer about fifty times, and justified it by saying that, even if he isn’t the whistleblower, he’s been involved in Ukraine for a long time, so …
THE WHISTLEBLOWER WAS IN ON IT.
Then Rudy, who is sharp as a tack, tied it all up for Beck’s audience.
I can tell you, without being able to back this part of it up with facts right now, that I am entirely convinced that this whole episode is just, you know, one chapter in at least a three or four chapter plan, which I guess was best described by [former FBI agent Peter] Strzok to prevent him from being president, and then, should he become president, the insurance policy to remove him.
PETER STRZOK IS IN ON IT.
So devious of the Deep State Planning Committee to keep the investigation of the Trump campaign completely silent through the election, knowing they could always subvert the will of the people by … waiting for Trump to pressure the future president of Ukraine to announce an investigation of Joe Biden. It just makes too much sense!
And if that all sounds like the demented rantings of a someone in desperate need of neurologist, it’s probably because YOU’RE IN ON IT.
Someone do a wellness check on Rudy’s lawyers, see if they’re IN ON IT, TOO.
Rudy Giuliani says US diplomats were doing the bidding of George Soros in Ukraine, in interview with Glenn Beck [The Blaze]
Rudy’s Big Plan to Defend Trump on Ukraine: Play the George Soros Card [The Daily Beast]
Elizabeth Dye lives in Baltimore where she writes about law and politics.