Ed. note: This is the latest installment in a series of posts on motherhood in the legal profession, in partnership with our friends at MothersEsquire. Welcome Joseline Jean-Louis Hardrick back to our pages. Click here if you’d like to donate to MothersEsquire.
Do you often feel guilty, drained, conflicted, or like, no matter what you do, it’s never enough? You aren’t alone. One poll on WorkingMother.com discovered that 57 percent of women feel guilty every day!
The pandemic has changed how we live and work. And now, more than ever, you may be getting worried and guilty about everything! This article provides one simple trick to release all that guilt and achieve peace, positivity, and assertiveness.
It’s time to change the narrative, from guilt to gratitude. This shift will ultimately make you more fulfilled in the roles you play in your life, not just motherhood! It’s possible to utilize all your guilt and feel good about yourself and your efforts through gratitude. You can learn to appreciate yourself and identify the positives amid the pressures of family and work while getting back on track when you fall short of your commitments.
Do these thought patterns sound familiar?
- I’m so tired; I can’t [cook, clean, do laundry] today; I’m a horrible wife!
- I am so sorry that I cannot go to all of my child’s events or sports activities.
- I feel guilty for taking time to [rest, sleep, get my hair/nails done] since I have so much to do.
- I can’t hire a [maid, nanny, cook]; I’m supposed to be all of those things to my family.
- My husband has to pitch in and help me, and he [struggles, does not do it right, or is complaining] to the point that I may as well do it myself.
Well, it is time to turn those thoughts on their head! Shift your focus from the guilt and what is missing to what is present and helpful. For example, here are some alternatives to the thoughts stated previously:
- I am grateful that my value as a wife is not tied to how I look or what I do; I bring value in so many ways to my family and love them.
- I love that I have friends and family who can attend my child’s events and cheer them on.
- Taking time to rest is powerful and fuels me to help myself and others.
- I am grateful I earn an income and can afford to hire a [cook, maid, nanny] to assist me in all the things I do for my family.
- I am grateful that I have a supportive spouse who chips in and does not require perfection.
Here are some other ways to reframe negative experiences:
- “I’m sorry my kids are making noise in the background” becomes “Thank you for understanding that working from home can get a little noisy.”
- “I am sorry I am late; things are so hectic” becomes “I appreciate your patience as I prepare for our meeting; we all can use grace during this season.”
- “I wish I could make it, I have too much going on” becomes “I am so grateful to have so many opportunities to share time and space with colleagues and friends; I’ll make it to the next one.”
Further, any sentence that starts with “I am sorry” can be replaced with “Thank you for your patience and understanding.” Any thought that suggests you are failing at something shifts to “I am learning how to do things in a way that works for me and my needs.”
And for those going through e-learning, especially with a little one, there are moments when you feel like you are failing miserably. In those moments, tell yourself that “I am grateful to have an option to continue my child’s education, even during a crisis.” And, here’s a good reminder: “all learning does not take place in a book or a classroom.” Everything we are going through now is temporary, and we can look back at this time with guilt or choose gratitude for surviving it and choosing to thrive through it.
Sounds too simple to be true? Try it out, and see for yourself.
Many of our stressors originate in the mind; it is not the events happening around us but our reactions to them that make us experience stress. By shifting your reaction from guilt to gratitude, you shift your energy from negative to positive. And there are many parallels between law practice and a gratitude practice — they both require repetition, trial and error, and the intention to get better at it as you continue. Further, several studies have found that gratitude creates positive outcomes, particularly for mothers of young children and those with special needs.
As you grow into the “new normal” created by COVID-19, remember to acknowledge those things that are going well and release the guilt that may rear its ugly head. Kiss guilt goodbye, and say hello to gratitude.
Joseline Jean-Louis Hardrick, Esq. is a professor at Western Michigan University- Thomas M. Cooley Law School’s Tampa Bay Campus, founder of Diversity Access Pipeline, Inc.’s Journey to Esquire® Programs, a children’s book author, social entrepreneur, and a mommy lawyer. For more information, visit www.joselinehardrick.com.