Cease and desist letters and responses, along with straight-up demand letters, provide the most entertaining legal moments. While the pre-litigation dance is a serious juncture in any dispute, this period without judges and rules lording over the process gives attorneys the freedom to show off their craft. Obviously no lawyer letter is going to top Supreme Court advocate Tom Goldstein’s infamous response to the porn star seeking recompense after being thrown off a building — yes, this is a thing that really happened — but that doesn’t mean there aren’t still works of breathtaking legal beauty being churned out by attorneys across the country.
For example, this letter about human feces.
More accurately, this letter about competing products that attempt to improve the aftermath of a trip to the toilet. A certain Toilet Elixir known as Turdcules was forced to draft a cease and desist letter to their competitor Poo-Pourri over an incident at a trade show. According to the letter, Poo-Pourri placed banners mimicking the Turdcules trademark look with phrases like “Classy Original,” “No Crass Bearded Men,” and “No Toxic Ingredients,” all seemingly denigrating Turdcules products.
Attorney Kevin Christopher’s letter addresses these attacks in turn and the result is exactly the snicker-inducing humor we need now.
As to the insinuation that Poo-Pourri is the “classy” product:
If my numbers are correct, Poo-Pourri has had 6x as many marks as Turdcules rejected or suspended as “immoral” and/or “scandalous” under the now overturned Section 2(a) limitation of the Lanham Act. I suppose anyone or any entity can self-define as classy, even those who want exclusive rights to bandy about such refined cocktail terms as “brown load” and “yule logs.” If, however, your intent is to distinguish that Poo-Pourri is classy and Turdcules is not, just remember at the end of the day both companies sell poop spray, not diamonds.
The bearded man reference is to the Turdcules mascot “The Craptain” which is amazing.
Regardless, you seem to be insinuating that Turdcules’ spokesman The CraptainTM is crass, which, if made with intent to ridicule, is the very definition of libel. In fact, The Craptain is just the opposite of crass. He’s the epitome of Southern grace and manners.
He’s sensitive. Using Turdcules isn’t for him, it’s for those around him.
He’s refined. He loves the smell of his own brand over his own waste streams. He’s intelligent.
He is an ordained minister and always leaves the toilet seat down.
But the best is saved for last, where Turdcules addresses the insinuation that its products may be toxic while Poo-Pourri’s are not — a claim that seems fundamentally off:
Then I had to take a step back and ask myself: What The Funk? Why is toxicity of toilet spray even a talking point? Is this some form of blue-bowl washing? What are you thinking your customers are doing with this stuff? My client’s customers are spraying Turdcules® on toxic turds in toxic toilet bowls, not rubbing it on babies’ butts. I demand that you immediately cease any insinuations that Turdcules’ products are toxic; but more importantly, I encourage you for their reproductive abilities’ sakes to discourage your consumers from any notions that toilet spray is an adequate substitute for shea butter or champagne.
The full letter is available on the next page. In the meantime, to the final point made in the letter, remember that Turdcules may be a bathroom essential, but it is not a replacement for the toilet paper you haven’t been able to buy for the last month.
Earlier: The Most Epic Lawyer Response Ever To A Porn Star Threatening To Sue
Joe Patrice is a senior editor at Above the Law and co-host of Thinking Like A Lawyer. Feel free to email any tips, questions, or comments. Follow him on Twitter if you’re interested in law, politics, and a healthy dose of college sports news. Joe also serves as a Managing Director at RPN Executive Search.