ACT I
(Phone rings violently.)
Lawgrad: Hello?
Bar Tutor: Hi, my name is Bar-Bree, I’m the bar exam tutor for your law school. We couldn’t help but notice it is 9:05 a.m. and you haven’t logged in to the bar-prep course yet. Are you okay?
Lawgrad: Yes, I just decided to sleep in …
Bar Tutor: Oh. I see. You know the bar exam passage rates … I mean, your bar passage is important to us at the law school. We are calling you to offer encouragement and support. So if you keep sleeping in you are going to fail and we will all be very disappointed in you. Do you want that?
Lawgrad: Okay, okay! I just slept in today.
Bar Tutor: That’s how it starts. We monitored your Wi-Fi and noticed you were watching old episodes of “Ally McBeal.” That isn’t going to help.
Lawgrad: You … are monitoring my Wi-Fi?
Bar Tutor: Yeah, it’s in the bar prep course agreement. You didn’t read it, did you?
Lawgrad: Okay, I’m getting up.
Bar Tutor: Nothing too sugary for breakfast.
(Lawgrad takes a practice exam, scores a 65. Phone rings violently.)
Lawgrad: Hello?
Bar Tutor: Do you see why you shouldn’t sleep in? You have some work to do. I’m here to offer support and encouragement. Also, I’m throttling your Wi-Fi so you can’t watch Netflix. It’s in the bar prep agreement. And you had a DONUT. What were you thinking?
Lawgrad: Sigh. Wait, how did you know …
Bar Tutor: Again, if you read the terms, you know your alma mater can watch you take tests.
(Scene ends with Lawgrad banging head against the wall.)
ACT II
(Lawgrad is now taking the bar exam at the designated bar exam service center.)
Bar Exam Administrator: Welcome to the bar exam! This is a very profound moment in your professional lives. We will now commence with the dress code check.
(Inspection of bar examinees lined up by bar exam number begins.)
Bar Exam Administrator: Your bow tie is crooked.
Lawgrad: Why do I even need to wear a tuxedo for the bar exam? And why are all the women in formal wear?
Bar Exam Administrator: Please don’t ask questions. It goes against your character and fitness. But fix your bow tie. This is a dignified process, and you must dress professionally.
(Inspection completes, and the Bar Examinees await further instructions.)
Bar Exam Administrator: Okay, please assemble in your rooms. Each group of examinees is clustered by gender and height. Please take your assigned examination seats after completely removing your clothing.
Lawgrad: What?????
Bar Exam Administrator: You heard us. How can we monitor for cheating if you all have clothes on?
Lawgrad: What kind of desk chair is that? It looks like a toilet.
Bar Exam Administrator: It’s dual functionality! We found that people cheat during the bar exam. So we’ve decided to install dual-functional seats, for waste and for administering the exam. Did you not get the notice about not bringing toilet paper? We will provide a single sheet. Sorry, still no feminine hygiene products after the great tampon scandal last year.
Lawgrad: I heard it was just blood.
Bar Exam Administrator: Lies! We inspected it and determined it to be coded runes for the rule against perpetuities!
Lawgrad: This is sick! It’s demeaning! It’s unprofessional!
Bar Exam Administrator: This is to assure your professional competence. And National Board of Conference Examiner profits!
(Bar Examinees take seats.)
Bar Exam Administrator: Okay, thank you for taking your seats. Please always keep your eyes on the desk. Do not move your neck for any reason to assure you are not subject to review and to respect the privacy of anyone going No. 1 or No. 2 during the exam.
Lawgrad: What if we need more toilet paper?
Bar Exam Administrator: You can use the provided scrap paper, but it must be turned in at the end of the exam.
Lawgrad: Sigh.
Bar Exam Administrator: No sighing. We think that taking in extra oxygen is cheating. That’s why we stopped asthmatics from taking albuterol.
Lawgrad: But that just allows asthmatics to breathe equally.
Bar Exam Administrator: Ridiculous. Next you’ll want to take it, too. Doctors will prescribe anything.
Lawgrad: Isn’t that against their professional ethics?
Bar Exam Administrator: Yeah, we don’t believe those do anything.
(Scene fades, with bar examinees starting day one of the exam.)
You might think I’m exaggerating. But how close to this are we already? And for what purpose?
LawProfBlawg is an anonymous professor at a top 100 law school. You can see more of his musings here. He is way funnier on social media, he claims. Please follow him on Twitter (@lawprofblawg). Email him at lawprofblawg@gmail.com.