(image via Getty)
Like any superhero, lawyer-moms sometimes feel like we live a double life. In one moment, we are patient and nurturing, and, in another, we are zealous advocates who won’t take no for an answer. Sometimes it seems the two responsibilities are entirely at odds. We might wonder if the identities themselves are irreconcilable, each defined by a warring set of skills and demands. We wonder if we could ever integrate the two — or just be ourselves.
Authenticity is immensely important to our performance and our satisfaction in work. We need to feel like we know who we are, we understand our strengths and values, and that we can make traction toward our own meaningful goals. We need to feel like we can BE who we are at work, bringing our wide range of talents and experiences to the table in addition to the legal skills we’ve honed. And, of course, within the boundaries of professionalism, ethics, and effective representation for our clients.
Lawyer-moms are tired of the old models. The archetype of the “man to see,” which looks nothing like us and serves almost none of our clients. The billable hour standard, which doesn’t reflect the value that we add. The expectation of shadowing a role model who lives a life we don’t want to emulate. The myth of a flat structure that rewards seniority rather than accomplishment and innovation. Those standards do not serve authenticity, and they make us miserable more often than not.
All lawyers need honesty and integration to show up authentically. We need margin and recovery to show up authentically. And we don’t need to give up professionalism — or boundaries — to accomplish this worthy goal.
Authenticity makes room for leadership without title, authority, or direct reports. When we show up authentically as ourselves, we are holding space for others to do the same. When we speak honestly about our skills and expertise, we can also be generous in lifting up other women. Just like we know our kids learn best when they see us model a behavior, so do lawyers. Our kids are watching. So are our colleagues and our clients. Show them courage. Show them diversity. Show them compassion. Show them struggle. Show them honesty. Show them grit and determination. Show them resilience.
Authenticity also leads to connection. There’s something about “we’re in this together” instead of pretending like we all have it together. We can have real conversation about priorities, strategy, and realistic expectations for productivity and results. After nearly a year of pandemic life, many of us are still holding ourselves to the standards of what we could accomplish in the old days. It’s unpopular to say, but lowering the bar can be a healthy step, acknowledging we can’t accomplish what we used to in a week. There is a way for us to add value and produce incredible results — high quality, lower quantity — alongside motherhood and self-care. When we have a real conversation about it, and allow some growth and variation from outdated standards, then there is room for progress.
The truth is, there are things about my life as a lawyer that make me a better mom. (At this point we’ve all been reassured of the benefits of being a working mom, yes?) But after months of doing both jobs with razor-thin margins, I’m equally convinced now that my life as a mom also makes me a better lawyer.
I’m not going to give you a list of “feminine qualities” and skills that translate well to compassion for our clients. The skills you bring to life as a mom and lawyer are unique to you and not universal. (True story: I’m empathetic but I suck at teamwork.). But I will encourage you to consider what they are, when they overlap, and when they are at odds.
There are times when the skills align beautifully. In my experience preparation, creativity, quick thinking, resilience, optimism, and patience have served me very well as a mom and as a lawyer. My clients appreciate that I am not quick to lay blame or point fingers. I’m ready to reframe and find a solution. I don’t get disappointed when it doesn’t go right the first time. We’ll try again! I know I have the legal chops, but I have so much more to offer. It feels good to let all of that goodness to the surface with confidence.
A simple step toward being authentic is to make a list of some of the strengths and tendencies that show up in your life: one column as a mom and another a lawyer. Maybe some things make both lists. Maybe some feel ugly, and others feel beautiful. But if all are true to you, you’ll be ready to more mindfully choose the energy you bring to each situation. And more courageously choose to show up authentically as a one whole, amazing lawyer-mom.
Laura Chipman is a marketing & privacy attorney and life coach for lawyers. As a coach, she helps women lawyers live and practice intentionally. As a lawyer, she takes pride in empowering her clients with practical and creative solutions to legal challenges. Laura is also a mom to two boys and lives with her family in a 200-year-old farmhouse in rural North Carolina. You can find more about her story at her website www.essentiallychip.com and chat with her on LinkedIn at http://www.linkedin.com/in/lauraschipman.