Good
morning.
As
some
of
you
may
be
aware,
last
night
President
Trump
signed
an
Executive
Order
designating
Above
the
Law
as
a
new
agency
to
stamp
out
waste
in
the
legal
industry.
Our
new
designation,
the
Bureau
of
Inefficient
Legal
Levies
or
BILL,
will
act
along
with
the
DOJ
as
a
parallel
institution
of
personal
lawyers
implementing
the
vision
for
lawyerly
efficiency
as
outlined
by
President
Trump.
Apologies…
as
you
are
also
aware,
per
another
order
last
night
that
should
read
“as
outlined
by
His
Most
Serene
Excellency,
Last
King
Of
Scotland’s
Golf
Courses,
and
Lord
of
All
the
Beasts
of
the
Earth
and
Fishes
of
the
Seas
and
the
Gulf
of
America
in
Particular
President
Trump.”
Lawyers
billing
$3000
an
hour?
Associates
refusing
to
do
work?
Law
students
letting
trying
to
get
out
of
tests
just
because
—
boohoo,
“I’m
giving
birth
today”?
In
my
day
we
billed
$700
an
hour
to
write
memos
about
the
best
lunch
spots
while
answering
an
issue-spotter
for
our
Sex
Discrimination
Law
course
when
we
were
10
centimeter
dilated
AND
WE
LIKED
IT!
That’s
why
you
likely
received
this
email
from
our
department:
Send
your
responses
to
[email protected]
(ed.
note:
we’ll
keep
you
anonymous).
Failure
to
do
so
will
result
in
termination.
We
will
have
our
teen
interns
review
your
work
with
the
assistance
of
the
latest
in
cutting
edge
AI
technology
developed
by
special
government
employee
Elon
Musk.
We
are
assured
that
his
algorithm
has
reviewed
“all
court
cases”
and
understands
the
law
better
than
humans
do!
Make
sure
all
responses
are
properly
Bluebooked.
But
only
according
to
the
12th
edition,
which
is
what
we
trained
the
AI
on.
One
lawyer
out
there
has
already
provided
their
response:
-
Monday:
Billed
14
hours
reviewing
contract
for
client.
Client
ignored
my
advice. -
Tuesday:
Sent
87
emails.
Received
312
in
response. -
Wednesday:
Drafted
a
57-page
motion.
Partner
replied,
“Isn’t
there
a
case
that
says…” -
Thursday:
Attended
a
“mandatory
wellness
seminar”
all
day.
Stayed
until
4
a.m.
finishing
a
brief. -
Friday:
Explained
to
a
family
member
(again)
that
I
do
not
“get
criminals
out
of
jail.”
Law
students
fared
no
better.
One
desperate
2L
posted
their
attempt:
-
Revised
Con
Law
outline
to
include
the
precise
parameters
allowing
SEAL
Team
6
to
assassinate
rivals. -
Cold-called
in
Torts.
Blacked
out. -
Cannot
afford
dinner.
Dropped
by
FedSoc
meeting
for
Chick-fil-A -
Applied
to
47
summer
associate
jobs.
Realized
deadline
passed
in
middle
school. -
Spent
3
hours
deciding
whether
to
highlight
in
yellow
or
blue.
Highlighted
in
orange.
Now
this
is
a
straight
shooter
with
a
lifetime
appointment
to
the
federal
bench
written
all
over
them!
This
administration
honors
your
commitment
to
the
Federalist
Society
and
Chick-fil-A.
We
understand
there
has
been
some
pushback
on
this
initiative.
For
example,
ABA
leadership
responded
that
“Law
is
an
art,
not
a
checklist
and
that
it’s
improper
to
reduce
legal
work
to
five
points
instead
of
six-minute
increments.”
This
sort
of
insubordination
from
the
profession
will
not
stand!
As
we
speak,
we
are
in
coordination
with
Attorney
General
Bondi
accepting
the
resignations
of
countless
DOJ
attorneys
who
are
refusing
to
sign
our
criminal
charges
against
the
ABA
for
violating
the
Alien
and
Sedition
Act
but
we’re
confident
at
least
one
of
them
will
sign
eventually.
The
clock
is
ticking.
Let’s
Make
Law
Great
Again,
people!
Seriously
though
we
think
a
lot
of
you
will
come
up
with
some
great
lists.
Send
your
most
ridiculous
to
us
and
we’ll
feature
some
of
the
best.
Joe
Patrice is
a
senior
editor
at
Above
the
Law
and
co-host
of
Thinking
Like
A
Lawyer.
Feel
free
to email
any
tips,
questions,
or
comments.
Follow
him
on Twitter or
Bluesky
if
you’re
interested
in
law,
politics,
and
a
healthy
dose
of
college
sports
news.
Joe
also
serves
as
a
Managing
Director
at
RPN
Executive
Search.