Whoever
wins
the
presidential
election
on
November
5
will
face
an
important
task:
overseeing
America’s
250th
birthday
party.
That’s
right,
the
good
old
United
States
is
turning
250
in
2026.
Nearly
two-and-a-half
centuries
ago,
Thomas
Jefferson
penned
the
Declaration
of
Independence.
On
July
4,
1776,
this
founding
document
was
adopted
unanimously
by
the
Second
Continental
Congress,
thereby
creating
the
U.S.A.
as
we
know
it
(and
as
we’ve
mythologized
it).
Assuming
the
country
lasts
until
July
4,
2026,
we
are
going
to
have
one
of
two
people
in
charge:
a
hateful
80-year-old
teetotaler
who
is
already
in
obvious
mental
decline,
or
a
61-year-old
woman
who
has
made
joy
a
focal
part
of
her
presidential
campaign
and
chugged
a
Miller
High
Life
on
stage
with
Stephen
Colbert.
I
know
who
I
think
would
make
a
better
party
planner,
but
hey,
maybe
some
of
you
have
had
way
more
fun
mingling
with
racist
octogenarians
than
I
have.
Now,
America
has
had
an
official
Semiquincentennial
Commission
(I
promise
I
will
use
that
dumb-ass
word
only
one
more
time)
since
2016.
For
a
couple
reasons,
I
don’t
think
the
members
of
that
group
are
really
going
to
have
a
whole
lot
of
sway
over
whatever
the
presiding
president
ultimately
wants
to
do
to
celebrate.
Had
you
ever
heard
of
the
U.S.
Semiquincentennial
Commission
before
this
very
moment?
Didn’t
think
so.
If
a
large
group
of
national-level
politicians,
eggheads,
and
other
theoretically
influential
people
has
been
doing
whatever
it
is
they’ve
been
doing
for
eight
years
without
even
pretty
informed
members
of
the
public
hearing
about
it,
they’re
either
working
at
Area
51
or
aren’t
wielding
great
power
to
exciting
effect.
Let’s
also
look
at
a
couple
of
the
member
names.
Oh,
Anthony
Kennedy,
an
88-year-old
former
Supreme
Court
justice
who
retired
so
that
Trump
could
replace
him
with
Brett
Kavanaugh
and
get
Roe
v.
Wade
overturned;
I
don’t
know
about
you,
but
someone
who
is
nearly
90
whose
ultimate
legacy
is
making
sure
thousands
of
women
are
going
to
forcibly
carry
unwanted
pregnancies
to
term
or
die
in
the
attempt
does
not
exactly
scream
“partier
of
the
century”
to
me.
It’s
a
bipartisan
commission
though,
so
I
won’t
pick
only
on
conservatives.
Ah,
here
we
are,
I
think
I
see
one
of
these
deep-state
liberals
I’ve
heard
so
much
about
…
wait,
what
the
f*ck,
Merrick
Garland?
The
guy
who
got
cucked
out
of
a
Supreme
Court
seat
and
then
slow-walked
the
several
still-pending
criminal
cases
through
which
he
could
have
actually
seen
something
done
about
it?
Look,
I
feel
bad
for
Garland,
but
“pitiful”
is
not
how
one
would
typically
describe
the
organizer
of
an
epic
party
for
the
ages.
Has
anyone
heard
from
Tucker
Max
lately?
Maybe
we
can
wheel
him
out
of
cryogenic
storage
or
whatever
and
see
if
he
has
one
last
party
in
him.
My
bold
prediction
is
that
the
official
250th
birthday
party
planning
committee
is
not
going
to
knock
the
socks
off
of
the
average
American.
Either
way,
we’ll
get
some
museum
events
and
mandatory
diversity
efforts
—
pleasing
to
history
buffs
like
me,
I
suppose,
though
likely
to
flop
with
the
masses.
Beyond
that,
I
bet
a
lot
of
directional
velocity
will
come
from
the
top
based
on
whoever
wins
this
presidential
election.
We
already
got
a
glimpse
into
Trump’s
plan
for
a
massive
national
celebration:
a
big
missile
parade
in
the
style
of
weak
third-world
dictatorships
trying
to
look
strong
that
he
wasn’t
previously
even
able
to
pull
off
because
he
eventually
lost
interest
(also
the
Pentagon
found
a
gaudy
display
of
military
hardware
to
be
both
costly
and
counterproductive
to
military
aims).
Harris
hasn’t
been
in
the
top
seat
at
the
White
House
like
Trump
has,
so
her
idea
of
a
truly
patriotic
commemorative
event
remains
more
of
a
mystery,
but
there
is
little
doubt
that
it
would
incorporate
the
military
in
a
more
respectful
and
traditionally
American
fashion.
America’s
250th
birthday
party
is
not
the
most
important
issue
in
this
election.
Still,
symbolism
matters,
stories
matter,
and
this
celebration
will
be
kind
of
a
big
deal.
It
could
be
a
huge
economic
success
that
brings
joy
and
a
sense
of
national
pride
to
millions
as
we
celebrate
how
far
we’ve
all
come
together.
Or
it
could
be
a
divisive
train
wreck
that
needlessly
flushes
millions
of
tax
dollars
down
the
tubes
in
order
to
stroke
one
man’s
ego.
Make
the
right
choice
in
November.
Jonathan
Wolf
is
a
civil
litigator
and
author
of Your
Debt-Free
JD
(affiliate
link).
He
has
taught
legal
writing,
written
for
a
wide
variety
of
publications,
and
made
it
both
his
business
and
his
pleasure
to
be
financially
and
scientifically
literate.
Any
views
he
expresses
are
probably
pure
gold,
but
are
nonetheless
solely
his
own
and
should
not
be
attributed
to
any
organization
with
which
he
is
affiliated.
He
wouldn’t
want
to
share
the
credit
anyway.
He
can
be
reached
at [email protected].