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London had been bombed for three nights in a row in September 1940. The leader had to speak. But of course the leader didn’t want to throw the country into a panic.
The leader flipped through the draft speech. “Who wrote this crap?”
Even though large tracts of Europe and many old and famous States have fallen or may fall into the grip of the Gestapo and all the odious apparatus of Nazi rule, we shall not flag or fail. We shall go on to the end. We shall fight in France, we shall fight on the seas and oceans, we shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength in the air, we shall defend our island, whatever the cost may be. We shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender.
“That’s no good; that will make people panic. Cut that bit. In fact, forget the prepared remarks. I’ll just say whatever comes to mind.”
So the leader spoke:
“We have now been bombed by the Nazis for three consecutive nights. We have it entirely under control. We have it contained. This will all be over by Halloween.
“The days will get shorter as winter approaches. Without enough daylight, the Nazi pilots won’t be able to see London. Like a miracle, it will all end. Believe me.
“Some people have asked whether we have enough Spitfire fighters. We have plenty of Spitfires. Anyone who needs a Spitfire can get one. You don’t even have to wait in line; just hop in and fly off.
“Some people in the government have recommended the use of blackout curtains. I personally don’t like them. I just can’t see meeting foreign leaders in rooms that have blackout curtains. I’m not going to use blackout curtains. If they make you feel safer, you can use them. I’m not going to bother with them.
“I feel the same way about bomb shelters. If they make you feel safer, you can use them. If not, go out and play in the streets.
“Hey, I didn’t tell Hitler to attack us. It’s not my fault. The economy was going great, and then, all of a sudden, what I call the Berlin virus. The invisible enemy! You can’t see it. Sometimes you hear a whistling sound and then a little bang, but you can’t see it. In fact, the bombs don’t exist; it’s fake news; it’s all a hoax. It’s really the Democrats who are bombing us.
“We can’t let an invisible enemy make the stock market go down. We have to reopen the economy. Let’s have outdoor markets at night; that’ll help the economy. We had the strongest economy the world had ever seen a year ago — Did you know that India is one of our colonies? Not everyone knows that. And India’s a big country! Some people say it’s the biggest. Maybe we can swap India for Greenland; India’s a sh_thole country anyway — and we’ll have the strongest economy again, after Halloween, when this all stops.
“I’m doing great. No one’s ever done better. And only I can do it. Never in the field of human conflict was so much owed by so many to me.
“Let us therefore brace ourselves to our duties, and so bear ourselves, that if the British Empire and its Commonwealth last for a thousand years, men will still say, ‘This was Trump’s finest hour.’”
Mark Herrmann spent 17 years as a partner at a leading international law firm and is now deputy general counsel at a large international company. He is the author of The Curmudgeon’s Guide to Practicing Law and Drug and Device Product Liability Litigation Strategy (affiliate links). You can reach him by email at inhouse@abovethelaw.com.