It’s just the flu, the test take you will.
I’ll pretend the COVID spike’s sinking.
And I’ll tell myself we must test you.
‘Cause I’m the king of wishful thinking.
–Apologies to Go West for ruining their song
BLE Member Opening Statement
Greetings and welcome to the Board of Law Examiners Zoom meeting to discuss why you think that you deserve not to kill yourself to take a test that is simply an entry barrier. We would have held this meeting in person, but to ensure our safety we decided Zoom would be better. Why do we even have a bar exam? Sure, you might cite this amazing Twitter thread about the racist history of the bar exam, but we’re here only to ensure that the bar continues with the dignity and professionalism you’ve come to expect from us BLE members.
Now, some of you have been clamoring for an online exam. We can’t have that without delaying the bar exam, costing you more money. But hey, we know you like bar loans. And, to be honest, we love all the bar exam peripheral markets, too. Some of us are even on the NCBEX board! Some state Supreme Court justices, too! Bar loans, Barbri, and, of course, the fees we charge you are ways to make sure you feel like you’ve worked hard for this.
Sure, you might have suggested that we should have planned for a COVID-19 spike all along, but we are not fortunetellers! It’s not like anyone else expected that there would be a surge in cases. Jeez. We’re doing the best we can with the information we occasionally read in the Bar Journal. Ooh, here’s a lovely article about how much we in the profession care about your mental health! I mean, once you’re in the profession. Not now.
Let’s talk about the meeting agenda. We will let the deans advocate on your behalf first. Because we recognize that they represent some semblance of the profession. But they don’t have your interests at heart! They just want to make money for their schools. We don’t see ALL of THEIR SCHOOLS going online! See? Only we truly care about you. For that reason, we will be very rude to them and hold them in utter contempt. We will roll our eyes at them and make sure you are very clear that we do not like them.
Next, we will eagerly await your stories about why you’re a lazy-ass piece of … I mean, concerned about your health. Some of us will look like we are bored or falling asleep, but that is because you have moved us so much that we can barely keep the tears from falling out of our eyes.
You might be outraged and try to take pictures of our seemingly snoozing and bored faces and claim we are cold-hearted, but we want you to keep in mind how important it is that you maintain your professionalism. You haven’t gone through character and fitness yet! No, we aren’t threatening you. We just want to make sure your deans do.
In any event, the death rate for COVID-19 is dropping, so please stop being so dramatic. There’s no reason that you all can’t show up and dress in three-piece suits (okay, in Virginia we’ll let you lose the tie) to take the bar exam. This is about professionalism! And part of being in a profession is treating people like shit! Ask many senior partners at major law firms!
Did I mention that I took the bar exam while having appendix surgery? These are different times indeed, my fragile test takers!
Now, some of you have actually had COVID-19 and have asked for an extension. Well, guess what? Life’s hard in the big law. Denied! Suck it up! Yeah, sure you have COVID-19. Whatever. Just take the damn bar exam!
By the way, did you see that great article in the Bar Journal about healing with compassion?
Speaking of which, we are very concerned for your health. For that reason, we’ll be making you show up early and quarantine at the bar exam site, where we have set up cots. But that is only after you have passed our mandatory $150 COVID-19 test. While you await the result, you must sleep in your car. Please be dressed professionally.
Also, you’ll need to sign a waiver. Basically, you absolve us of all liability for forcing you to take this exam. Consider it professional courtesy.
Lastly, I just want to say how important it is that we are very civil to one another during this heated time. Please make sure to keep your remarks civil. Don’t engage in any personal attack (like pointing out that we’re sleeping or maybe have conflicts of interest). This isn’t personal. It’s business! I mean, uh, professionalism.
Speaking of which, please catch the latest mandatory professionalism CLE after you pass the bar. Professionalism is important!
By the way, if we change the bar exam date and time, we’ll let you know at the last possible minute. Because being needlessly frustrated is all part of professionalism!
Okay, let’s hear from the deans while I do some online shopping!”
LawProfBlawg is an anonymous professor at a top 100 law school. You can see more of his musings here. He is way funnier on social media, he claims. Please follow him on Twitter (@lawprofblawg) or Facebook. Email him at lawprofblawg@gmail.com.