Scholarship Productivity Form

Thank you for being an IMPORTANT MEMBER of the University of Amazon!  We are a family here. We are a top-tier, cutting-edge research institution. We are eager for you to continue to be INNOVATIVE and amazing researchers. We care about the quality of your research! We’d like you to continue to research!

But before you do so, we need you to fill out this monthly form:

1. Did you accept any publication offers last month? __Yes __ No
2. Did you TRY to accept any publication offers last month? __Yes __ No
3. Did you publish any books in the preceding month? __Yes __No
4. Did you TRY to publish any books in the preceding month? __Yes __ No
5. Did you publish any book chapters, updates, or supplements in the preceding month? __Yes __No
6. Did you publish any articles in the preceding month? __Yes __No
7. Did you TRY to publish any articles in the preceding month? __Yes __No
8. Are you annoyed that we’re asking these questions in June? __Yes __No
9. Did you publish any short pieces we won’t count for tenure but will happily submit to central campus in defense of our budget? __Yes __No
10. Did you TRY to submit any short pieces we won’t count for tenure but will happily submit to central campus in defense of our budget? __Yes __No
11. Did you publish any online pieces in the preceding month that we would ordinarily scoff at but will happily submit to central campus for budget purposes? __Yes __No
12. Did you publish anything else that matters for purposes of budget that we won’t give a damned about for tenure purposes? Anything? __Yes __No
13.  Did you TRY to do anything else that matters for purposes of budget that we won’t give a damned about for tenure purposes? Anything? __Yes __No
14.  In the time between starting to fill out this survey and now, did something exciting happen that we can totally not give you credit for yet somehow show off to central campus for budget purposes? Anything? __Yes __No
15.  How about now? __Yes __No
16.  Now? __Yes __No
17. Sorry, we forgot. Any top-tier law review publications? That’s really all we care about. __Yes __No
18. Did you TRY to get any top-tier law review publications? __Yes __No
19. If you didn’t answer YES to any question above, give us a few reasons you aren’t an oxygen sucker? Committee work and teaching overloads don’t count here (but thank you for serving!)  ______________________________________________.
20. How many packages did you ship off today? ______
21. Have you enhanced the social media profile of the university? How? Understand that this is for budget purposes only and not for tenure. _________________________.
22.  Have you TRIED to enhance the social media profile of the University? __Yes __No
23. Compared to last year at this time, your scholarship productivity increased by: __100% __50%  __25% __0% (Slacker).

Thank you for your submission! Please complete this form again in another 15 days (yeah, you ignored this for two weeks).

*Sorry about question 20. We borrowed this form from Amazon.

Remember, we are a prestigious university who cares about quality! Thanks again for being submissive. Er, for your submission.

---

LawProfBlawg is an anonymous professor at a top 100 law school. You can see more of his musings here. He is way funnier on social media, he claims. Please follow him on Twitter (@lawprofblawg) or Facebook. Email him at lawprofblawg@gmail.com.