Ed. note: This is the latest installment in a series of posts on motherhood in the legal profession, in partnership with our friends at MothersEsquire. Welcome Nanda E. Davis back to our pages.
No one knows what our new normal will be, but we have already seen that our world is changing at every level. In other words, this is the perfect time to bring about positive and needed change, including in how we parent. With everyone stuck at home, it is more important than ever for dads and moms to equally share parenting responsibilities. In order to do that, moms and dads need to have open and honest communication about responsibilities, including the mental load.
What is the mental load? The mental load refers to all those things that need be remembered for the delicate balance of household, work, school, and extracurriculars to not to fall apart, including sports schedules, playdates, payments for daycare, and when muffins need to be delivered for a class party. Google “mental load,” and you will be inundated with articles (including ones from NBC, Huffington Post, and New York Times, just to name a few) explaining how the mental load is crushing moms.
For lawyer moms, the mental load was hard enough pre-COVID-19. Now that we are all trying to work from home while balancing childcare, the mental load feels extra heavy. How can we as moms delegate that mental load so that it doesn’t all fall on our shoulders?
Step 1: Identify What Is In Your Mental Load
Everyone’s mental load is different. The first step to delegating any of your mental load is to take the time to figure out what makes up your load. List everything you can think of, big and small, enjoyable and tedious. Include keeping track of everyone’s schedule, deadlines for school projects, school forms, bills, tasks that go into clothes, cleaning, and food, and anything that is necessary for all the activities we hope to be able to safely return to one day. It may initially seem like creating a list is yet another task that adds to your stress, but it is impossible to delegate what you cannot identify.
Step 2: Talk To Your Significant Other About What Part Of The Mental Load You Want to Delegate
I see a lot of working moms who feel resentment and anger towards a spouse who is not offering to take over part of the mental load. However, your spouse cannot guess what it is that you would like them to do, or why you are stressed.
As you prepare for the conversation with your spouse, think about what you would most like to have off your plate. In an ideal relationship, you would take on the tasks that your spouse struggles with the most, and vice versa. Think about your strengths and weaknesses, and the strengths and weaknesses of your spouse. Is one of you better at details? Does one of you have more time during your day to pick up the phone and schedule appointments?
You might also want to start small, and maybe pick out two things that you really would like to have off your plate. When you talk to your spouse be clear, unapologetic, business-like, and communicate anything that you think is really important about the task. If you’re not used to having these conversations with your spouse, it can take practice, and you have to give yourself grace as you learn a new skill.
Step 3: Let It Go
Letting it go really involves two steps. First, you have to let go of the idea that to be a good mom you have to do it all. How you divide up any of the tasks on your mental load does not change the fact that to your children, you are one of the most important, influential people in their lives. You are a role model for how to have healthy relationship, communicate effectively, resolve conflict, and how to balance your personal and professional lives. This is even more true now that we are all staying home, and children are seeing a lot more of their parents. It is far more important that you are a good role model in these areas than whether you fill out permission slips. When your children grow up, think of how you would want them to raise their children and whether you would want them to insist that both parents pull equal weight. Delegation does not mean that you have failed, and it is not a reason to feel guilty. On the contrary, it shows self-awareness and good self-advocacy, skills you want your children to have.
The second step: let go of the urge to micromanage or check up on your spouse. Will your spouse follow through on that task exactly as you would have? No. However, assuming you’re in a healthy relationship, chances are you married your spouse because you trust him to make good decisions and to look out for the best interest of your family. If he takes over lunches so you can schedule client meetings at that time, will he fix the same thing for the kids every single day? Maybe. So what? If the kids are happy and fed, then task accomplished. Keep in mind that these are new roles for your spouse and just as you would encourage a new employee or even your own children as they are learning a new skill, so too should you encourage and show confidence in your spouse. If you nag your spouse or go behind his back to do it yourself, then you’re sending the message that you don’t believe he can do it. You delegated the task so that you don’t have to worry about it anymore, so stop the worrying and focus on everything else on your list.
COVID-19 has forced us all to re-examine work-life balance and our priorities. Change is happening at all levels of society — from big corporations to our private lives at home. Use this time to have open and honest conversations with your spouse, including ones about your mental load.
(Image by Bella Muse // www.Bella-Muse.com)
Nanda E. Davis opened her firm, Davis Law Practice, in Roanoke, Virginia, in 2014. She specializes in divorce, custody, and matters involving Child Protective Services. She is the mother of two boys and active in the Roanoke Chapter of the Virginia Women’s Attorney’s Association. More about her can be found on her website and she can be reached by email at nanda@davislawpractice.com.