Ed. note: This is the latest installment in a series of posts on motherhood in the legal profession, in partnership with our friends at MothersEsquire. Welcome Wendy D. Kalwaitis to our pages, with a brief introduction from Browning Coughlin, founder of MothersEsquire.
In 2013, I felt utterly alone in a firm of more than 200 attorneys. I looked around me and did not see other mothers who were associates, and didn’t have the first clue how I was supposed to simultaneously be the stridently ambitious, “work-above-all-else” attorney and the “perfect mom” at the same time, much less the devoted wife, community and school volunteer, devoted daughter, and all the other hats I wore. I looked for national guidance about motherhood and the law, and found little. It seemed to me that the societal pendulum had shifted far to the side of requiring women not to speak of motherhood and children, as if not speaking about the challenges of the motherhood penalty would make the unconscious bias towards mothers go away. Out of this moment, out of truly my own need for help, MothersEsquire was born. I started a small Facebook group with just five other moms I knew personally who were also lawyers, with the hopes that I would find some secret answers. What I found instead was friendship, joy, brilliance, humor, anger, hope, frustration, and thousands of women who often inspire me with their talents and brilliance. And that is why reading Wendy’s words fill me with immeasurable joy. At a time when we feel more disconnected than ever, MothersEsquire and other social media groups like ours provide needed connection and support. I know that I no longer feel alone, like the only person I know juggling untenable expectations. I’ve got my girls, my sisters, my mommas, my community — the moms of MothersEsquire. And they’ve got me, and my promise to always use my voice to fight for gender equity and an end to the motherhood penalty in the law.
Few things in life come without work and determination, Law and motherhood are no exception. They both are more similar then many realize and for those who carry the title of both Attorney at Law and Mom, it can sometimes feel like you are sailing uncharted waters. The beginning quest to endeavor into either title requires willpower, stamina, determination, and emotional strength that few others truly get. Sleepless nights, never-ending to-do lists, calendars that do not bend to your will, and duties or conduct that carry dire consequences should one not meet the minimum standards.
These roles of mother and lawyer are not interchangeable. One who takes on both roles does so with the idea that they must at all times carry both titles. What was it they told us in law school? “From now on you will always wear your lawyer hat.” And anyone who is a mom, knows that job is 24/7. The balance that both require is like a strictly choreographed dance, where one misstep can lead to the routine tumbling out of control. We live and die by our carefully crafted calendars and deadlines. Children and clients who look to us to guide and remedy all things from boo-boos on the knees to counseling them in the things that often times define their lives or businesses.
There are no breaks in motherhood and law. There is an expectation from both that we will give it our all and anything less is a breach of our fiduciary duties. This pressure can make mom attorneys feel isolated, especially from other moms and attorneys who do not carry the shared weight of the attorney’s oath juxtaposed with playdates, PTA, and parent teacher conferences. It is a lot of pressure and few can empathize with just how demanding it can be except those who wake every morning and do the delicate dance daily. But as I have found, social media is bridging that gap of isolation by connecting these alpha law moms where they can share, vent, question, and connect in ways I only dreamed of in the beginning of my career.
Twenty years ago when I graduated law school, I was lost in the maze of the inner workings of what was next. How does this work and can I truly ask the questions that I am dying to know? I was single and did not have kids but I knew I wanted them. There were rumors of what was required, which firms were good and which to stay away from as a female attorney who desired both accomplishment and motherhood. But they were just that, rumors. The very last thing on my mind was what would offer me the opportunity to also be a good mom. I naively thought that was implied and that I would just figure it out. The female partners were not approachable and there was a certain implied competition to rise above the fray and prove yourself as one of the boys. I am not proud that I played that game but I did not have female mentors to guide the decisions that best suited my future desire to have children. At the most, what I witnessed or heard under whispered breaths was that kids derailed and postponed careers.
Social media wasn’t even a word. Back in the day, you would have networking lunches but many found it hard to pull away from the billable hours or work to meet up. There was the added issue of feeling somewhat more visible given you were face to face. You could follow up those events with emails, but you were flying blind in that you didn’t really know if that female attorney had children and moreover if they even felt like taking the time to answer your question. It was hard to connect without a social media profile giving out the subtle cues it does today.
But then social media platforms became our way to connect and sharing pieces of ourselves and even our daily lives became more commonplace. Likeminded people discovered each other and groups were formed. I recall stumbling upon MotherEsquire and thinking, “I finally found my people.” Women who truly understood the struggles and decisions I faced daily and an opportunity to ask “those” questions. I have seen the questions that I was dying to know 20 years ago fill in the gaps where rumors were all I knew. What was a doable billable hour as a mother of two? Was there really a chance to make partner and have more than one child? Was government work or in-house counsel that much less demanding? How do you handle breastfeeding and court? Here all of it is shared and it feels like a safe space where one can finally feel heard and understood.
It might not feel like the old stuffy networking roundtables of old where young attorneys did not dare speak and that is a good thing, I promise. My first job, I was hired straight out of law school by a female attorney with kids. She was a partner and I’m grateful she gave me a chance. But at the end of the day, she was my boss and I did not dare ask the tough questions that may paint me in an unprofessional or weak light. In places like MotherEsquire, I see the tough questions asked and answered by women who know and who have been through this and understand what that female attorney who has kids is up against. There is power in knowledge and in numbers. Thru social media groups, I observe female attorney moms become more empowered every day to break that glass ceiling and redefine what it means to be both mom and counsel. We were never alone, we simply needed to find “our people,” and I’m happy to report that I am enlightened a little more every day that I get to be a part of this distinct group of women who balance it all with power, grace, and humility.
Earlier: Mothers At Law: Achieving Meaningful Success In The Legal Profession
Wendy Kalwaitis graduated from Syracuse University Whitman School of Management in New York before returning to Southern California to attend law school at Southwestern University School of Law. She has been practicing law in Southern California for 20 years, half of those which she has balanced as a mom to her three daily saviors, her children, ages, 10, 8 and 3. She has practiced in both large and boutique firms in the areas of litigation, business, employment, and worker’s compensation law. When she is not balancing all things law and motherhood, she lets her husband do the cooking while she escapes to woodworking, renovating, and moments of alone time at Target or the tool aisle at Home Depot. You can also find her irreverent musings or reach her on her Instagram @found_and_followed or email at wdm711@yahoo.com.