Ed. note: This is the latest installment in a series of posts on motherhood in the legal profession, in partnership with our friends at MothersEsquire. Welcome Josephine M. Bahn to our pages.
“Well, it’s not like you’re going to have another one right away or anything, right?”
Oof. My first day back from maternity leave was off to a rougher start than I imagined. I came back to work after having my daughter, a month early, after a little more than eight weeks off. I didn’t have any more sick or annual leave to burn through, and the federal government didn’t have a paid family leave policy at the time. I know what you’re thinking: “Wow! 1999 must have been a crazy time!!!” But it wasn’t 1999 — it was 2019.
I’m married to an attorney. Same number of years in practice, same involvement in “extracurricular activities” outside of work, pretty much on par with me in all things, except one: he is a he, and I am a she. That matters.
My husband was out of work for one month, but when he was out, he was offered the opportunity to work “part time,” to minimize the hit on his leave. When he had finally exhausted that leave after one month, he was welcomed back with open arms. “Can we see pictures of Baby Ruth?” “How are you feeling?” “Are you getting enough sleep?” Honestly, it was so supportive, I was really excited for him; his office and coworkers made his transition back something to envy. He got put back on all his cases, given new work assignments that were even a stretch for his skills, and they asked him to attend new training opportunities to become closer to a subject matter expert in an area in their office. Too cool, right?
Here was my experience.
I came back early because I was out of paid leave, but I was afraid to also take unpaid. I know that I’m fortunate that I had a federal job — one that provided any paid leave. But I was still a conditional hire, within the first two years of employment — and I was up for a permanent position at a higher grade, and I just couldn’t risk it.
So I worked.
It wasn’t just my day job that seemed to have these issues.
I’m running for the American Bar Association Young Lawyer’s Division Secretary position in a contested election this year. The person becomes Chair of the YLD after three years — I’d be representing over 100,000 young lawyer members. The campaign is long — a year to be exact. When I announced that I was running, I went to an event at the Annual Meeting with my daughter strapped to me in a front carrier. While at an event, a senior division leader said in front of a crowd that people are going to constantly not see past me having a child, that I would be perceived as unfit for the job because I had a kid. I mentioned earlier that my husband’s pretty involved in this group — and that leader said my husband wouldn’t face the same critiques, because “it’s different for men and women.”
So I worked.
I worked when my daughter couldn’t sleep through the night, drinking Diet Coke by the case for the caffeine. I worked when I felt like the assignments I was getting weren’t sufficient for the job I had taken. I pitched — no, begged — my boss to get on cases that I felt would advance my career. I worked harder outside of work through my bar association work, volunteering at the nonprofit board I sat on, and then I took on more pro bono cases. I worked through months of postpartum depression that I refused to acknowledge because I was afraid of the stigma of mental illness and how I would be perceived.
So I worked.
I write all of this knowing that so many parents — moms and dads — do the same. There are so many sleepless nights that parents have, so much work to do, and so much time they feel like they aren’t giving enough to their child. But nonetheless, it is different for women.
Another example: last week, I had to get a new phone for work — everyone was getting them. A colleague of mine from another group happened to be there at the same time. I was lamenting to our IT staff that my new phone wasn’t working and he said, “It’s probably not working because you’re getting fired for taking too much maternity leave.”
Too much maternity leave.
It’s comments like these, the meetings and conference calls that folks schedule after my work hours when they know I do afternoon pickup, and the inevitable, “Well, can you really travel to that city for this case because ya know, you’re a mom.”
Because you’re a mom.
My husband doesn’t deal with that. He’s a pretty awesome #girldad, and I’m lucky to have him as a partner, but no one batted an eye when he went to LA for a week for work. People understand his days off, sick leave, and working hours, and don’t schedule meetings during those times.
Maybe it’s because he’s a dad, and I’m a mom, but it’s still not equal. So, I’ve spent the past 10 months doing things to change the conversation, improve my work and outside activities, and continue to be the best mom I can be for my insanely smart and independent child.
We bring Ruth to everything — meetings, conferences, dinners. She’s there. When we can’t bring her, our family team helps us out tremendously. I know I’m really lucky to have our team — many parents simply don’t.
I mark off time that is exclusively for her — Mama-Ru days. I don’t check email, texts, and I don’t take calls. We just hang out and do things she enjoys. I carve out that time, so I don’t beat myself up when I miss bedtime for the third time this week. I also put up boundaries where I can. I’m much more deliberate with my time — I only say yes to things that will advance my career or goals and that I am willing to decrease my time with Ruth for. I advocate for myself at work thinking, “What example should I be showing for her?” I’m better because I have a baby, not worse.
Oh, and that election I mentioned — I’ve reached out to folks across the country. I’m upfront about having a baby, and I talk about the team that helps me through. I talk about what I want to do if I win, and how I plan to tackle young lawyer-related issues like ballooning student debt, access to the profession, equality in the profession, etc. The one thing that never comes up on these calls from the person on the other end? That I’m a mom.
You can do it, just plan, have patience, and don’t be afraid to bring your kid around every now and again.
Because you’re a mom, or a dad, or a caregiver, or the best Pop Pop ever.
If you do good work, folks recognize it.
Because I’m a mom and a lawyer and a bunch of other things, but being a mom, well, that is okay with me.
Earlier: Mothers At Law: Achieving Meaningful Success In The Legal Profession
Josephine (Jo) M. Bahn is a federal government attorney licensed to practice in New York and the District of Columbia. She practices banking law, primarily in consumer and fraud litigation. She is currently a candidate for ABA YLD Secretary in a race against Jerome Crawford of Detroit, MI, and the slate of candidates closes at the Midyear Meeting. For more information on Ms. Bahn see: joforyld.com.