An Exhaustive Collection Of Lawyer Pickup Lines To Be Quoted In Your Next Restraining Order

Pickup lines generally walk the fine line between cheesily bad and actionably harassing. But the art of crafting pickup lines for a specific profession brings in a level of sad nerdism that makes it perfect fodder for lawyers and law students showing off their mastery of arcane (to the rest of the world) legal knowledge in a way that’s just funny enough to get them a pity lay.

The Law School Memes for Edgy T14s page asked members to provide their best lawyerly pickup lines and they didn’t disappoint. Here’s a collection of the best of the project:

• Are you looking to tender some performance? Cause I’m ready, willing, and sufficient to satisfy.
• Hey girl, are you a bar review class? Because I would pay $3500 for you to talk to me for a short amount of time.
• Are your shareholders liable for your corporate debts? Because I’d like to pierce your veil.
• Are you intro to property law? Because I bet you can make me cry and waste countless hours of my life.
• Girl, I can sustain an objection for almost four hours.
• Westlaw and chill?
• Are you the country residence from Jacob & Youngs v. Kent? Cuz I’m tryna put a pipe in you.
• You must be a long arm statute cause you could grab me anywhere.
• Are you equity, cause I’ll make you come with clean hands.
• Oh baby, I’ll give you so much due process, standing will be the only issue.
• Are you the Court of Appeals because I’m tryna get overturned.
• I’m not in Big Law, but I got a big… Ego and Major Depression, please tell me I’m pretty.
• Is your name Lexis? Because you have everything I’ve been searching for.
• Are you confidential files? Because I’d like to examine you in camera.
• Girl, are you a burden shifting test? Cause what’s that butt for?
• Hi, are you my legal fees? Because you’re way too high and clearly taking advantage of me.
• Damn boy, is your ass Informal Rulemaking under the Administrative Procedure Act? Because I just had to Notice and Comment.
• Are you petitioning for cert? Because you’re appealing to me.
• If you’re Tompkins, I’m the Erie railroad cause I’m crushing on you.
• Something something dictum. Sleep with me.
• Are you a porter for Long Island Railroad? Cause you make my head spin.
• In my advisory opinion, after you see my dicta, you won’t have standing.
• Baby, if you were a contract, you’d be the fine print.
• I have the ability to turn the lawyer thing off and act like a normal human when I leave the office.
• Let me show you section 69 of my penal code.
• They call me Learned Hand for a reason.
• Maybe my special master can override your taint team.
• I’ll give you an excited utterance.
• I’ll make sure we observe Title IX and each get substantially equal playing time.
• I’m a lawyer, of course I can get you off.
• Hey boy. Is it true you last longer than a Scalia dissent?
• On a scale of 1 to America, how free are you tonight?
• Imma RAP that ass for the next 21 years!
• Hey girl, whaddya say we remove this matter to a forum more conveniens?
• Are you the Sixth Amendment? Cause I’d like to try you speedily and in public.
• Are you a restrictive covenant? Because I’d like to touch and concern you.
• I ask less questions than Clarence Thomas.
• I wish my law school has curves like you.
• Is your name Rodriguez, because I have a reasonable suspicion that you’re packing something, and I’d like to extend this interaction.
• Are you the Third Amendment, cause I’m thinking about quartering my soldier in your home.
• Are you a 3L? Cause I’d like to take a look at your outlines.
• Are you Tennessee Valley Authority v. Hill? Because DAM.
• Want to test the bounds of Fox v. FFC…I can make you swear…on camera.
• They call me breacher cuz I always fail to substantially perform.
• Hey, I’m poly, expressio unius non est exclusio altius.
• Baby you’re thiccer than my ConLaw casebook
• *When they introduce you to their friend* “I’d like to make a rule 14a motion to join a third party?”
• Are you the commerce clause? Cuz there are no limits to what I would do with you
• I’m a lawyer.

Aw. That last one was some powerfully wishful thinking. Try something like:

“I call it Blackacre because I’ll convey it all to you, baby… remainder to your friend over there.”

That should work. As long as you don’t add “reverter to my wife.”

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Joe Patrice is a senior editor at Above the Law and co-host of Thinking Like A Lawyer. Feel free to email any tips, questions, or comments. Follow him on Twitter if you’re interested in law, politics, and a healthy dose of college sports news. Joe also serves as a Managing Director at RPN Executive Search.