F*** all of you, probably.
White media is full of advice articles today about handling your racist family members over Thanksgiving. Oh, they don’t call them your “racist” family members, because the underlying goal of these advice columns is to confirm your bias that your own family isn’t a dangerous and stupid part of the problem. Even the columns that acknowledge that some people in your family will be unreachable Nazis are designed to make you okay with that so you can choke down your turkey in peace. “Sure, Uncle Bob is a virulent racist, but it’s totally cool to expose your kids to his retrograde worldview as long as you keep him talking about football game.”
It’s bulls**t. You wouldn’t leave your kids alone with Uncle Bob if he was a pedophile, but you’ll let him wax poetic about the dangers of Colin Kaepernick.
True “white allies” are not having dinner with racist people this Thursday. They’ve made the hard choices to cut these MAGA assholes out of their lives, at personal cost, because they understand that breaking bread with racists is part of the legitimizing process that has put these people in power. You people who are eating with Trump supporters “because Mom would be so hurt if I didn’t show up” are full of s**t, and all you want is for somebody to tell you that your hypocrisy and weakness is acceptable. No, you’re not part of the lynch mob, you’re the asshole who leaves the light on so the mobbers can find their way home when they’re done.
Unlike your white friends at the New York Times, I am not here to coddle you. But I am willing to share some “best practices” if you want to be able to look your non-white friends in the eye after you’ve finished placating the people who you are related to who try to oppress them. I can’t tell you how to change the minds of your racist relations, but I can tell you how to not be a part of the problem.
1. YOU BLITZ EVERY DOWN.
The last two years, since Trump was elected, I have been amazed by the number of left-leaning white friends I have who are willingly going to Thanksgiving with their Trump supporting family, whose stated goals are to escape the event “without conflict.” Are you freaking kidding me? Like, I don’t make a habit of going to white supremacist rallies at the Federalist Society… but when I do, I AM LOOKING FOR CONFLICT. “Conflict” is the only way to make these people understand that they suck and you will not be counted among them. If you wanted to eat dinner in peace, you shouldn’t have sat at the table with somebody who is cool with putting children in cages to “own the libs.”
YOU MUST CONFLICT WITH THESE PEOPLE. Every time. About everything. It’s exhausting and unpleasant, and it’s what you signed up for.
It’s NOT OKAY that the President lies all the time. It’s not okay that he disregards the rule of law. It’s not okay that he demonizes non-white immigrants. It’s not okay that he and his party engage in voter suppression. It’s not okay that he appoints racists and Anti-Semites and wife-beaters to key positions. It’s not okay that he sexually assaults women. It’s not okay that he appointed a Supreme Court justice who lied repeatedly under oath and has been credibly accused of sexual assault by multiple women. It’s not okay that he collaborated with Russians to influence the election. It’s not okay that he threatens our allies. It’s not okay that he’s corrupt and uses the Presidency to profit himself and his family. IT’S NOT OKAY THAT HE DOESN’T READ.
Every. Single. Time. You have to be there to say “it’s not okay.” Even if that’s all you say. Never, ever let these assholes pretend for a second that anything happening is normal or positive, without your verbal disagreement. GET YOUR OBJECTION ON THE RECORD. It takes a lot AND is also the very least you can do.
2. DO NOT ACCEPT WHATABOUTISM, FALSE EQUIVALENCY, OR ANY OTHER STUPID FOX NEWS TRICK.
“What about Hillary Clinton?” “What about Barack Obama?” “What about Al Franken?” “Both parties.” “Both sides.” “I agree that the caravan is being oversold as a danger, but what is the Democrats’ plan for stopping it?” “Isn’t that time you illegally downloaded a song just like Saudi Arabia murdering and dismembering a journalist?”
I find that people have trouble with whataboutism and InfoWars tropes when it is thrown at them by family members. I think it’s because the “right” answer to these types of questions is “you’re a f***ing idiot and you need to get out of my face or I’m going to hurt you.” These questions are like allergies: they’re a minor annoyance but your only choices are a massive coughing/sneezing/suffocating overreaction, OR you just quietly sit there while mucus flows out of your eyes and nose.
GO WITH THE OVERREACTION.
Remember, whataboutism is the MAGA defense mechanism. It’s their argument when they have no other argument to defend their Führer. IT IS A SIGN OF THEIR WEAKNESS, not yours. And thus, it is an invitation for you to press the attack (see above on why you should be in attack mode).
Dad: Hillary Clinton was also corrupt.
You: What the fuck did you say?
Mom: Language.
You: No, NO FUCK BOTH OF YOU. HILLARY CLINTON ISN’T THE GODDAMN PRESIDENT. Your guy is. WHERE IN THE HELL DO YOU GET OFF excusing any of these actual instances of corruption, just because of what you think somebody else would have done? That’s not an argument, that’s a clown statement designed to trigger me. WELL I’M TRIGGERED. What’s your plan now? DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING RELEVANT TO SAY IN DEFENSE OF THE TRUMP FAMILY, or is weak bullshit all you’ve got?
Dad: I notice you didn’t defend Clinton.
You: I NOTICE YOU CAN’T DEFEND YOUR OWNSELF. It must be hard for you when Sean Hannity isn’t here to tell you what to say.
If you ever find yourself defending Democrats who are not in office instead of attacking Republicans who are in office, you are doing it wrong.
3. CALL OUT THE RACISM BY NAME.
Practice saying this in the mirror: “That’s racist.” Get comfortable with that word, “racist.” If you are going to one of these MAGA-givings, you are going to hear a lot of racism. But you’ve been socialized not to call your own family racist to their faces. So your gut reaction will be to explain away racism as something else.
It’s not something else. It’s freaking racism. That’s why your family voted for Trump. THERE ARE STUDIES THAT PROVE THIS POINT.
Your family is racist. If you can’t tell yourself that in the mirror, you can’t tell it to them. And if you can’t tell it to them, then you legitimize their racism as something more socially acceptable.
Your job, as a would-be ally, is not to assuage your family’s racism, it’s to confront it. And you can’t do that if you are too weak to call it by its name.
4. NON-POLITICAL TOPICS ARE ALSO POLITICAL.
If you have followed the first three steps, your family should eventually look for other topics to talk about. This is a small victory. Following the first three steps has at least alerted your family that you are not to be f**ked with and will give no quarter to their Trumpy ways. Congratulations.
But your work is not over. Your family is not racist because they support Trump. Your family supports Trump because they are racist. It’s the so-called “non” political conversations where their animus and implicit biases shine through.
If you have children, this is also the most dangerous time for them. The kids can’t understand how a desire to ethnically cleanse the country of brown people is effectuated by overturning birthright citizenship status. That’s over their wee heads. But they can certainly understand that white quarterbacks are “tough” and “hardworking” and “play the game the right way,” while black wide receivers are “athletic” and “all about me” and “showboat.”
If you are going to be a white ally, you need to fight against these subtle forms of prejudice and implicit bias, all damn weekend. Racism is learned. This is how children learn it. You have to combat your family’s racism, for them, whenever it’s on display.
I can’t know how the racism metastasizes in your particular family, but here are some statements you should be ready to make as needed:
“No, black people are not faster. If sports were one of the only ways for white people to escape structural poverty, you’d see a lot more fast white people getting concussed for your enjoyment.”
“Actually, cops shoot black people and white people at about the same rate once they stop them. The problem is that cops disproportionately stop black people for no reason.”
“Mom, if you call the cops on that black guy who is just sitting there, I’m never speaking to you again.”
“Jews are not better with money. That is a bigoted stereotype that comes from Christian Europe where Jews were employed as money-lenders because of the Catholic church’s old laws against usury.”
“Google ‘usury,’ you freaking idiot.”
“At the point where aliens are ripping holes in inter-dimensional space, your argument that only white people could be in this movie to maintain ‘historical accuracy’ becomes ludicrous.”
“Raisins do not belong in potato salad.”
You take my point. The fighting doesn’t end just because Grandpa finally turns off Fox News.
5. NEVER DO THIS AGAIN.
How can you convince your family not to be racist? I don’t know. If I did, I’d be President of the White Liberals. I know you should be trying to teach your children not to be racist, and I know that if you were really committed to that project, you wouldn’t place your children in the clutches of your racist family. But you’re there at Thanksgiving so you’ve clearly decided to go in a different direction.
But if you’ve confronted your white family all through Thanksgiving weekend, and you feel exhausted by the effort, maybe think better of going home for Christmas?
Nobody said allyship was easy. It’s hard. If it’s too hard for you, I understand. These past two years have taught me to expect the very least from white Americans. But I’m thankful for the vanishingly few of you that have the strength and stamina for this fight. You know who you are.
Happy Thanksgiving.
Elie Mystal is the Executive Editor of Above the Law and the Legal Editor for More Perfect. He can be reached @ElieNYC on Twitter, or at elie@abovethelaw.com. He will resist.